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I'm trying to make the master/detail dropdown look like the default add/edit/copy icons vs's being a drop down with the link. I've already removed the default edit/view/copy links by using:
ListOptions["edit"].Visible = false;
ListOptions["view"].Visible = false;
ListOptions["copy"].Visible = false;

that works fine

I've tried using :
ListOptions["details"].ShowInButtonGroup = false;
and
ListOptions["details"].ShowInDropDown = false;
as ways of moving to links - but that doesn't seem to work.

The ListOption for Preview will be shown only if you do not enable Preview Extension. You need to manipulate the ListOptions["details"].Body in ListOptions_Rendered server event to get what you want. You can view HTML source for the Preview's ListOptions and compare the ListOptions for View/Edit.